About Me

I am a housewife and Mum to 3 children. I have a 13 year old son who's favourite expression is "for gods sake", a 10 year old son who thinks he is a ninja and a 5 year old daughter who thinks that tadpoles are made from frog porn...

Monday, 21 November 2011

Driving test!!

So...I've got my driving test tomorrow...I'm not new to driving tests, I have in fact arrived at the test centre no less than 4 times...but have only taken my test twice.  The first time, I nearly reversed into someone while reversing around a corner, the second time my instructors car broke down on the way to the test centre...the third time I forgot to put the car into gear and the last time, the examiner wouldnt let me take the test because my brake light was out.  I must be the worlds unluckiest person!!  I've never really felt the urge to drive, I don't know the difference between a Mondeo or a Micra, and the only way I can remember the difference between the lights and the wipers is by saying over and over...Lefty Lighty...Righty Wipey, I'm sure I drive my instructor mad.

So anyway, any tips gratefully received, I have a small bag containing Bachs Rescue Remedy drops, Bachs Rescue Remedy spray, Bachs Rescue Remedy cream, Bachs Rescue Remedy pastilles and Bachs Rescue Remedy chewing gum.

Think I'm prepared enough??  

Wish me luck :-) X

Thursday, 17 November 2011

I'm back again...

Its been too long since I wrote on here, I need to start working the old grey matter...and writing this blog is the funnest  ( is that a word?) way I can think of...

I would love to tell you what I've been up to the last few months...but I struggle to remember what happened last week, I swear I never used to be so dim, is it motherhood that does it...or the copious amount of wine I consume to deal with it!  Motherhood is definitely worth it though....especially when your daughter tells you how pretty you are because apparently you look like Daisy duck...

The highlight of the last couple of weeks has definitely been when I was chatting to some friends in the kitchen and Spacegirl comes in and says...

Spacegirl: "Mummy, Daddy and I were cuddling up on the sofa the other day when we were watching that rude movie, weren't we Mum?"
Me: (aghast) "Rude movie, no we weren't...what rude movie?"
Spacegirl:  "You know that rude movie, with the furry things, and you and Daddy like it and its rude!"
Me: "We don't watch rude movies"
Spacegirl: "Yes we do"
I was utterly mortified, and there was a long silence.  Then Spacegirl pipes up with...
"Oh I don't mean rude...I mean scary...I hate Monsters Inc, don't I Mum"


Anyway hopefully have more time to update this more often.

Goodbye from SpaceMums world X

Monday, 15 August 2011


It was my wedding anniversary yesterday... so SpaceDad and I dumped the kids off on SpaceNan and decided to go out for a meal...we are unbelievably disorganised and it really didn't enter our heads to book, so over 2 hours later after being told there was anything from a 40 minute to a 2 hour wait for a table, we decided to grab a KFC and drive 10 miles to Gloucestershire's answer to Primrose Hill to have a picnic.  The chicken was cold, the Pepsi was flat and my dessert was melted...but it was lovely.  We got the picnic blanket, sat on the hill and looked over the county.  We sat there enjoying the silence after having the kids at home for 4 weeks, I thought this is great, we are at that stage in our relationship where we don't need to communicate, we are just content to be in each others company, not speaking, just enjoying being there with each other...as I looked over to Spacedad...I saw him lying on the floor, fast asleep, with his mouth open and a great blob of mayonnaise hanging off his lip...

I do love Spacedad, he's a great dad, he's easygoing...everyone likes him and I truly have never met anyone who can make me laugh like he can, he does has his faults, and these are changeable depending on my mood, at the moment as I think of him, there are only two....

Spacedad Fault No 1 :  Spacedad is  music snob, he will examine everyone on their musical tastes and if there is so much of a hint of anyone liking Phil Collins, Simply Red, JLS, Black Eyed Peas etc etc...(I think you get my drift), then I see a look of distaste coming over his face and then I know the debate about music is coming...The Faces, Hendrix, The Clash, Foo Fighters, Rolling Stones, Zepplin, Alabama 3, these apparently are the some of the bands the youth of today should listen too.  I'm not sure his friends would listen to him as much if they realised that I walked in and caught him doing the running man to MC Hammer in the kitchen one day.   I think he would leave me if I told anyone...

Spacedad Fault No 2 :  If you do have to clear your ears out with cotton buds...and you do have to put them into the toilet...then you need to flush that toilet.  I hate walking into the bathroom in the morning and see little white sticks in the toilet with neon orange ends...it makes me gag.   I may have to start fishing them out and sewing them to his clothes...maybe that would teach him a lesson.

All in all, I am very lucky to have married such a fab man, and he is stupendously lucky to have me...don't cha think? :-)

Friday, 5 August 2011

I'm back!!

You have to love the Great British Summer, at the moment I'm either looking on ebay for a boat to get up the high street because of the torrential rain, or I am contemplating stripping naked and running around the garden to get some breeze to the parts other beers can not reach (?!?)  I can assure you...this wouldn't be a pretty sight.

Lots has happened...SpaceNinja got his first girlfriend...it lasted a whole 3 hours, in this time they had decided they were going to marry and have 2 sons called Steve and Bob, he then dumped her because she was cheating on him with Tom from up the road...Oh to be 10 again!!

I have been teaching Spacegirl the intro to Madness One Step Beyond...she has got it to a tee, although she has been prancing around singing it over and over for the last 3 days with her pretend saxophone.  I'm not sure what is worse, this song or the 'God isn't dead, no, he is alive' hymn that she had learnt at school...

My eldest son, well I haven't seen him much this hols, he has either been shut in his room playing on the xbox, or hanging around the BMX jumps looking at 'fit girls'.

I went to a festival last weekend with Spacedad, its a little festival near us, so we managed to get a babysitter and off we went for the weekend.  We assumed it was more for people our age as a lot of the bands were fairly old...we were mistaken.  When I was a lot younger, a festival meant cider and a crafty smoke of weed...Not anymore, we were camped in a field surrounded by 18/19 year olds doing 'baloons'.  Now after a bit of enquiring we were told that the balloons were filled with Nitrous Oxide and were filled by a whipped cream canister (far too complicated for me) anyway we were camped in the middle of this field and all weekend, all you could hear, all night were people filling these balloons.   Psssssssssssssssssst Psssssssssssssssst....really all night.   It was like being held hostage all weekend in a Quik Fit Tyre Centre.

Spacedad and I let them get on with it, and got wonderfully drunk on the local cider.

Hope everyones having a great holidays so far! :-)

Friday, 15 July 2011

I'm so ashamed...

If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be dizzy...or confused, or maybe confuddled?  My family and friends liken me to Miranda Hart quite frequently and I must admit I can see the resemblance...others have said to me "You really remind me of Josie from Big Brother" (Not so sure about that one?)

Things seem to happen to me, that really don't happen to other people, I'm the woman that has just returned from Spacegirls school assembly, and realised that my trousers are on inside out.  I have been known to go into my local town shopping on a Saturday, only to get there and realise I still my slippers on...the kettle is always to be found in the fridge...and I have occasionally found the milk in the dishwasher.

These are all day to day occurrences...and I can cope with these, but the latest adventure in my life...I am still cringing about...

My son informed me last night at 17.49, that he had a school play and he had to be at the school for 6...and I had to go and watch him...  No problem I thought, I grabbed my bag, put on some shoes...and off we went!
As I sat in the hall on those silly little chairs, with parents crammed in at every available space...I noticed a funny smell, it was a gone off meat kind of smell...I sat in my chair sniffing for at least 5 minutes, which started a few of the other parents sniffing, in the end I gave up...reached down to my bag on the floor...and realised the awful smell was coming from my feet.  I nearly felt sick, when I noticed the shoes I had on were the same ones that I had worn for the birth of Swampys baby, and can recall that I had meant to chuck them out because they had been covered in birthing waters...

So I'm sat...in a school play...and my feet smell of birthing waters...I have never been so ashamed.

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Spacegirl wants a hamster...

Once upon a time Spacemum and her friend Penny went into town to buy Penny's daughter a hamster for her birthday, Spacemum wasn't too keen on little furry animals, she had a bad childhood experience with a gerbil that attached itself to the top of her ear and wouldn't let go...she still has the chew marks, 30 years later...

There was only one pet shop in town, a small dingy place that was run by a mad old lady with no teeth.  As they entered the shop, they discovered that there was only one hamster left, a small brown creature with very long teeth and an evil looking mohican.  "It looks a bit vicious" said Spacemum.  "It is as tame as any hamster in the land" lisped the mad old lady.  Penny decided to take it.

Spacemum and Penny got into the car and set off on the long journey home with Spacemum holding the hamster in her lap in a cardboard box.  A few minutes had passed, and Spacemum was getting worried as the hamster seemed to bouncing around the box and trying to chew through the corner.  "Arrrrrrrrrrggghhhh" she screamed as she saw the evil hamsters long teeth gnawing through the box, "Its getting out"!!  Spacemum sat petrified for a few seconds, unable to speak, forgetting to breathe...her eyes widened with horror as not only had the teeth come out of the box, the hamsters head was too...it was snarling and growling, and its huge eyes were enhanced by a crimson glow.  Spacemum didn't know what to do, they were on the dual carriageway going 60 mph, nowhere to stop, what can she do.  "Its going to eat me" she screamed...and so she threw the box with the hamster in it....out of the window.

I don't like hamsters...Spacegirl wants a hamster...so I have fashioned her one out of an old yogurt pot and some fur off her favorite teddys bottom...I am going to convince her its a real one...

Monday, 11 July 2011

Wow, wow, wow!!!

I did it!!  I can't believe I did it.  Swampy was in labour for 9 hours, and had a beautiful baby girl.

I worked in a hospital over a period of about 6 years as an auxillary nurse, trying to decide if I wanted to train or not.  During my time working for the Nhs, I developed a few phobias...I dont like blood, even the sight of it makes me pale in the face and rushing for chocolate to build up my blood sugars and not faint!  I have a huge phobia of needles, even though my dad was an insulin dependant diabetic and i spent most of my childhood watching him stab himself in the stomach with a needle.  I also hate feet, cant stand touching them, seeing them, just the thought of them makes me gag.   So being a birthing partner was a huge deal for me...theres blood, needles and I spent a lot of the evening sitting at the bottom of the bed, with my face by Swampys feet, which aren't the prettiest patters in the world...I guess you gathered my career in the NHS wasn't a successful one)

I spent most of the night drinking take out coffee from the local Costa shop and the vending machines...I spent an huge portion of my time sitting on the loo, wishing I hadn't drunk quite so much coffee!

Mr Swampy spent most of the night asleep in the bath in the en-suite bathroom...Swampy spent 6 hours bouncing on a huge rubber ball...after an exhausting few hours, Swampy Jnr finally arrived into the world at 6.44 on Saturday morning.

It was a emotional journey, and I'm glad that I did it for Swampy...I am hugely proud of her...and you know what I'm a little bit proud of me too...

Thursday, 7 July 2011

One day to go!

Well...its one day to go before Swampy Mark 2 is born.  I had a horrible vision last night that Swampy and I were walking into the maternity unit, and the nurses tried to get me on the bed and monitor me, no amount of arguing would convince them that I wasn't the one that was pregnant...I think I may go to Slimming World next week?!?

I've tried SW before, I lasted 4 days...I've also tried Slimfast (ugh), adios (awful mood swings, wanted to stab SpaceDad with his drumsticks).  I've also tried Xenical, I'm not good with poo, especially when it looks like orange squash!  I think the problem is...I like food and I lack willpower, as soon as my thighs start chafeing together, I think thats when I will start worrying, although saying that I no longer have bingo wings, I have jumbo jet wings!  Naked I look like a bin bag full of jelly, but in fairness who doesn't like jelly! :-)

Have a good day everyone, and thanks for your lovely comments!

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Birthing Partner!!

I'm going to be a birthing partner on Friday for my friend Swampy (not her real name but given to her for reasons I'm sure you will find out).  I don't think I ever had any choice in the matter...I was told...Given the fact that I am extremely squeamish, I hope she appreciates that I am probably going to be in as much pain watching it as she will be giving birth.  On a serious note, I am excited about it, I have told her that I don't want to see the baby coming out, but I guess its a bit like a car crash...you don't want to look but you know you wont be able to help yourself.  She has been hinting that her lady garden is a bit of a mess....but that's taking our friendship a little too far.

My best friend Swampy is a one off...she's the girl that argues with you for 2 hours in a pub because she doesn't believe that 'nautical' is a word, shes the one who goes into Costa and asks if they have anything that tastes like a starbucks...she also goes into Ikea, buys £60 of stuff and pays for it with 5ps and 20ps.  Swampy lived at the local well for 5 weeks.  She lived in a makeshift tent and lived off the land while 'trying to find herself' - she left after discovering that the local 'wrong uns' used to wee in the well that she washed herself in everyday.  But she is also the most loyal friend I will ever have, never hesitates to help if she can, we have been on many adventures over the last 10 years, some of them have been crazy, some of them have been heartbreaking, through everything I know I have always got her, and she has always got me...and I have never met anyone who can make me laugh she does.

Everybody needs a friend like Swampy, she has given me more headaches in the last 10 years than anyone I know...but I wouldn't be without her.  I will be there holding her hand and wiping her brow on Friday.

If Carlsberg did birthing partners.....

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

I have a spot on my boob...whats that all about?

I woke up this morning with a spot on my boob...is there an age where you start getting boob spots, its not that big, but I may have to cover it up or people may think its a third nipple, either that or I may draw a little face on it and display it proudly...I think the cover up is maybe a better idea though?

I may try and go and get a fish pedicure today, I have been trying to get one for the last month but I hate fish...with a passion.  I have a lovely tropical tank, that I never go near...it has a rainbow shark in it that eats all the fish, I have numerous nightmares about the shark growing 10 times in normal size over night, and as I trail through the kitchen to fetch my weetabix, I see it exploding out of the tank and trying to eat me...maybe I wont go and get a fish pedicure, even prawns make my spine shudder.

Monday, 4 July 2011

Welcome to my world...

I’m at that age…you know the one, you feel far too old to be in a nightclub watching the drunken actions of people who probably hadn’t even been born by the time you left secondary school, wondering how on earth that young girl can go out in a skirt that short, while all this time, you can feel your mummy tummy rolling over the top of the 3 pairs of spanx that you wore on this rare night out…making it look like you are in ownership of not just one pair of saggy breasts…you actually have 2 sets although the new set is taking on the appearance of an enormous sausage.  At 34 years old…Im not sure how to act?  I spent 17 minutes the other day chasing a fly around my house, only to discover it was a blob of mascara on my eyeball.  I have also hoovered my entire house on two separate occasions whilst listening to my ipod at full blast…and then realised I hadn’t switched the hoover on…And my sons friends still wont speak to me after they caught me doing robotics and bodypopping in the kitchen to Salt N Pepa.  (I’m a cuddly size 16…it wasn’t pretty).   Is this normal behaviour for someone my age?