About Me

I am a housewife and Mum to 3 children. I have a 13 year old son who's favourite expression is "for gods sake", a 10 year old son who thinks he is a ninja and a 5 year old daughter who thinks that tadpoles are made from frog porn...

Friday, 15 July 2011

I'm so ashamed...

If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be dizzy...or confused, or maybe confuddled?  My family and friends liken me to Miranda Hart quite frequently and I must admit I can see the resemblance...others have said to me "You really remind me of Josie from Big Brother" (Not so sure about that one?)

Things seem to happen to me, that really don't happen to other people, I'm the woman that has just returned from Spacegirls school assembly, and realised that my trousers are on inside out.  I have been known to go into my local town shopping on a Saturday, only to get there and realise I still my slippers on...the kettle is always to be found in the fridge...and I have occasionally found the milk in the dishwasher.

These are all day to day occurrences...and I can cope with these, but the latest adventure in my life...I am still cringing about...

My son informed me last night at 17.49, that he had a school play and he had to be at the school for 6...and I had to go and watch him...  No problem I thought, I grabbed my bag, put on some shoes...and off we went!
As I sat in the hall on those silly little chairs, with parents crammed in at every available space...I noticed a funny smell, it was a gone off meat kind of smell...I sat in my chair sniffing for at least 5 minutes, which started a few of the other parents sniffing, in the end I gave up...reached down to my bag on the floor...and realised the awful smell was coming from my feet.  I nearly felt sick, when I noticed the shoes I had on were the same ones that I had worn for the birth of Swampys baby, and can recall that I had meant to chuck them out because they had been covered in birthing waters...

So I'm sat...in a school play...and my feet smell of birthing waters...I have never been so ashamed.

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Spacegirl wants a hamster...

Once upon a time Spacemum and her friend Penny went into town to buy Penny's daughter a hamster for her birthday, Spacemum wasn't too keen on little furry animals, she had a bad childhood experience with a gerbil that attached itself to the top of her ear and wouldn't let go...she still has the chew marks, 30 years later...

There was only one pet shop in town, a small dingy place that was run by a mad old lady with no teeth.  As they entered the shop, they discovered that there was only one hamster left, a small brown creature with very long teeth and an evil looking mohican.  "It looks a bit vicious" said Spacemum.  "It is as tame as any hamster in the land" lisped the mad old lady.  Penny decided to take it.

Spacemum and Penny got into the car and set off on the long journey home with Spacemum holding the hamster in her lap in a cardboard box.  A few minutes had passed, and Spacemum was getting worried as the hamster seemed to bouncing around the box and trying to chew through the corner.  "Arrrrrrrrrrggghhhh" she screamed as she saw the evil hamsters long teeth gnawing through the box, "Its getting out"!!  Spacemum sat petrified for a few seconds, unable to speak, forgetting to breathe...her eyes widened with horror as not only had the teeth come out of the box, the hamsters head was too...it was snarling and growling, and its huge eyes were enhanced by a crimson glow.  Spacemum didn't know what to do, they were on the dual carriageway going 60 mph, nowhere to stop, what can she do.  "Its going to eat me" she screamed...and so she threw the box with the hamster in it....out of the window.

I don't like hamsters...Spacegirl wants a hamster...so I have fashioned her one out of an old yogurt pot and some fur off her favorite teddys bottom...I am going to convince her its a real one...

Monday, 11 July 2011

Wow, wow, wow!!!

I did it!!  I can't believe I did it.  Swampy was in labour for 9 hours, and had a beautiful baby girl.

I worked in a hospital over a period of about 6 years as an auxillary nurse, trying to decide if I wanted to train or not.  During my time working for the Nhs, I developed a few phobias...I dont like blood, even the sight of it makes me pale in the face and rushing for chocolate to build up my blood sugars and not faint!  I have a huge phobia of needles, even though my dad was an insulin dependant diabetic and i spent most of my childhood watching him stab himself in the stomach with a needle.  I also hate feet, cant stand touching them, seeing them, just the thought of them makes me gag.   So being a birthing partner was a huge deal for me...theres blood, needles and I spent a lot of the evening sitting at the bottom of the bed, with my face by Swampys feet, which aren't the prettiest patters in the world...I guess you gathered my career in the NHS wasn't a successful one)

I spent most of the night drinking take out coffee from the local Costa shop and the vending machines...I spent an huge portion of my time sitting on the loo, wishing I hadn't drunk quite so much coffee!

Mr Swampy spent most of the night asleep in the bath in the en-suite bathroom...Swampy spent 6 hours bouncing on a huge rubber ball...after an exhausting few hours, Swampy Jnr finally arrived into the world at 6.44 on Saturday morning.

It was a emotional journey, and I'm glad that I did it for Swampy...I am hugely proud of her...and you know what I'm a little bit proud of me too...

Thursday, 7 July 2011

One day to go!

Well...its one day to go before Swampy Mark 2 is born.  I had a horrible vision last night that Swampy and I were walking into the maternity unit, and the nurses tried to get me on the bed and monitor me, no amount of arguing would convince them that I wasn't the one that was pregnant...I think I may go to Slimming World next week?!?

I've tried SW before, I lasted 4 days...I've also tried Slimfast (ugh), adios (awful mood swings, wanted to stab SpaceDad with his drumsticks).  I've also tried Xenical, I'm not good with poo, especially when it looks like orange squash!  I think the problem is...I like food and I lack willpower, as soon as my thighs start chafeing together, I think thats when I will start worrying, although saying that I no longer have bingo wings, I have jumbo jet wings!  Naked I look like a bin bag full of jelly, but in fairness who doesn't like jelly! :-)

Have a good day everyone, and thanks for your lovely comments!

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Birthing Partner!!

I'm going to be a birthing partner on Friday for my friend Swampy (not her real name but given to her for reasons I'm sure you will find out).  I don't think I ever had any choice in the matter...I was told...Given the fact that I am extremely squeamish, I hope she appreciates that I am probably going to be in as much pain watching it as she will be giving birth.  On a serious note, I am excited about it, I have told her that I don't want to see the baby coming out, but I guess its a bit like a car crash...you don't want to look but you know you wont be able to help yourself.  She has been hinting that her lady garden is a bit of a mess....but that's taking our friendship a little too far.

My best friend Swampy is a one off...she's the girl that argues with you for 2 hours in a pub because she doesn't believe that 'nautical' is a word, shes the one who goes into Costa and asks if they have anything that tastes like a starbucks...she also goes into Ikea, buys £60 of stuff and pays for it with 5ps and 20ps.  Swampy lived at the local well for 5 weeks.  She lived in a makeshift tent and lived off the land while 'trying to find herself' - she left after discovering that the local 'wrong uns' used to wee in the well that she washed herself in everyday.  But she is also the most loyal friend I will ever have, never hesitates to help if she can, we have been on many adventures over the last 10 years, some of them have been crazy, some of them have been heartbreaking, through everything I know I have always got her, and she has always got me...and I have never met anyone who can make me laugh she does.

Everybody needs a friend like Swampy, she has given me more headaches in the last 10 years than anyone I know...but I wouldn't be without her.  I will be there holding her hand and wiping her brow on Friday.

If Carlsberg did birthing partners.....

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

I have a spot on my boob...whats that all about?

I woke up this morning with a spot on my boob...is there an age where you start getting boob spots, its not that big, but I may have to cover it up or people may think its a third nipple, either that or I may draw a little face on it and display it proudly...I think the cover up is maybe a better idea though?

I may try and go and get a fish pedicure today, I have been trying to get one for the last month but I hate fish...with a passion.  I have a lovely tropical tank, that I never go near...it has a rainbow shark in it that eats all the fish, I have numerous nightmares about the shark growing 10 times in normal size over night, and as I trail through the kitchen to fetch my weetabix, I see it exploding out of the tank and trying to eat me...maybe I wont go and get a fish pedicure, even prawns make my spine shudder.

Monday, 4 July 2011

Welcome to my world...

I’m at that age…you know the one, you feel far too old to be in a nightclub watching the drunken actions of people who probably hadn’t even been born by the time you left secondary school, wondering how on earth that young girl can go out in a skirt that short, while all this time, you can feel your mummy tummy rolling over the top of the 3 pairs of spanx that you wore on this rare night out…making it look like you are in ownership of not just one pair of saggy breasts…you actually have 2 sets although the new set is taking on the appearance of an enormous sausage.  At 34 years old…Im not sure how to act?  I spent 17 minutes the other day chasing a fly around my house, only to discover it was a blob of mascara on my eyeball.  I have also hoovered my entire house on two separate occasions whilst listening to my ipod at full blast…and then realised I hadn’t switched the hoover on…And my sons friends still wont speak to me after they caught me doing robotics and bodypopping in the kitchen to Salt N Pepa.  (I’m a cuddly size 16…it wasn’t pretty).   Is this normal behaviour for someone my age?